Giving Them The Words

After last night's discussion about helping kids learn to express their emotions in a healthy, constructive way, I thought that I'd share a few of my top strategies and tools for responding to outbursts or aggressive behavior and teaching students to solve problems.  Not surprisingly, they can mostly be found in the pages of Conscious Discipline. :)

There definitely isn't a step-by-step guide for how to deal with challenging behavior and every kid has different needs and preferences, but I'm going to try to outline my general thought process when I need to diffuse a situation and seize a teachable moment.

First, ensure that everyone is physically safe.

My number one priority when there's a disruptive event is to ensure that everyone is physically safe.  If someone is "in the trunk" and wants to kick, hit, or yell, I want to bring them to a place where they'll be safe and everyone around them will be safe.  Usually, I'll say something like "It seems like you're upset right now and you need some space to calm down.  You can take a walk by the word wall or sit in the purple chair (our "safe place").  Which do you choose?"  In the event that the kid is so upset that they can't move to a safe place, I'll have the rest of the class move if necessary (to their tables, to the carpet, or, in an extreme situation, to the classroom next door).  As the kid moves to the safe spot to calm down, I either tell them to come get me when they are ready to talk or that I'll be there in a few minutes to see if they're ready to talk.  

If I can't get the student to calm down enough that I feel certain that they're physically safe, I call my principal.  She is amazingly calm and has a fantastic way of talking with kids when they are upset and I trust her to support me in making good classroom management decisions.

Second, have a private conversation.

Once I've had a moment to collect myself, get the rest of my class started on something, and given the student a chance to try to calm down independently, I have a private conversation with him or her.  If I don't know the reason for the outburst, I usually start by asking "Are you having a home problem or a school problem?" and, typically, the resulting answer can give me enough information to figure out the basic details of the conflict and decide how to move forward.

One thing I'm really trying to work on if I do know the reason for the conflict is questioning less and describing more.  Dr. Bailey talks a lot in Chapter 4 about the power of ascribing and narrating the positive intent behind students' actions.  I'm loving her script for responding to outbursts so much; it's getting a spot on my whiteboard so that I can have it at my fingertips when I need it.  Instead of playing 20 questions, I'm going to respond like this:

• "You wanted ______, so you _____."
• "You didn't know how to ___."
• "You may not ___ - ___ hurts."
• "When you want ___, say (or do) ___."
• "Let's practice that now."  (Child repeats words or actions.)

(You can read the full explanation of the script and a few examples on pages 177 - 178 of Conscious Discipline.  I think it's pretty genius.)

Third, give them the words to solve their problem and practice with them.

Our littlest (and some of our biggest) kids often don't have the words or the experience to solve their own problems and resolve their interpersonal conflicts independently.  They need us to hold their hands and tell them the words to say to make things right.  Think of teaching behavior like teaching content - first you model, then you try it together, then the student tries it independently.  This goes for both students who hurt someone else and students who are hurt by others.  My two go to phrases are:

• "I don't like it when you ____.  Please stop."  (This phrase is my number one cure for tattling.)
• "Next time when you want ___ to ___, tell him/her ___.  That will help you both get what you need.  Let's practice together and then you can go tell ___."